WELL with Tracy Fredkin
WELL with Tracy Fredkin
Dr. Zelana Montminy: Building Resilience in Difficult Times
Dr. Zelana Montminy is a renowned positive psychologist, wellness architect and author of 21 Days to Resilience. We spoke with Dr. Montminy about the current stress and challenges we're experiencing as parents during COVID, how to build resilience in ourselves and teach our children. She shared some really sound and helpful advice including the following quotes. Follow her @Dr.Zelana or online at DrZelana.com.
“The goal of (wanting) happiness sort of sets us up for failure... In wanting so desperately to be happy you’re going to miss those actual moments of happiness”
"When we’re able to accept whatever we’re feeling and dealing with (at the moment) and then move on to the next moment we have a greater likelihood of flipping the switch and thinking positively.”
“Be in the now, be present and be accepting."
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Welcome to well. I'm your host, Tracy fredkin, founder of SoCal Moms and the SoCal Wellness Retreat. Join me as I chat with Southern California's leading experts in women's health, family health, nutrition, modern medicine, and the mind body connection. We'll be reading new trends, curating practical alternatives for today's busy, modern woman to keep herself and her family healthy. Hi, everyone. Welcome to Well, thank you for joining us again. This week's episode is sponsored by Trove CBD. Trove's line of amazing body bombs, tinctures and massage oils are great for pain, inflammation, stress, and they help you wiht sleep. Trove is THC free and triple lab tested. You can go to Trove CBD.com and our listeners get 20% off with code well20 at checkout, that's W E L L 20, all caps for 20% off at checkout. We're here today with Doctor Zelana Montminy, a renowned behavioral scientist and positive psychologist. She's delivering a fresh perspective rooted in science. She's a prominent figure in positive psychology and one of Maria Shriver's architects of change. Doctor Zelana is the author of 21 days of resilience, which has been published in five languages. She speaks around the world and as a go to authority in the media, whether it's a researcher, bestselling author, keynote speaker or hosting a television show, Dr. Zelana is paving the way for mental fitness. She spoke with us at our last two SoCal Wellness events and offers amazing advice to our community. And we're super excited to have you here today. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for joining us. I want to start just broadly by talking a little bit about your book 21 days to resilience, and sort of what you talk about if you can give us a little bit of an overview why you wrote the book, what you talk about there, how it applies for women in our daily lives. Yeah, I mean, I think there's never been a more important time to exercise our resilience muscle than now, I would say for sure. But a few years ago, I you know, I started out as a happiness researcher and realized along the way that we are a culture, so obsessed with happiness, yet we're really unhappy, and we're not getting any happier. And I tried to kind of figure out, you know, what is that missing piece? Like, what is it that, you know, truly content successful people have and can do, um, and it wasn't just that they're happy, it was the fact that they were resilient. And so I really started to look deeply into that and started researching it and realize there's really no manual or, you know, really nothing that trains people how to become resilient, we all know that it's important, but nobody's really teaching us how to do it. And it really is a skill that we can work on. It's not something we're born with, or without. So I decided to write a book about how to actually become resilient. So it's a 21 day, sort of boot camp for jump starting the skill set, of course, you're not just going to magically become resilient after 21 days. But it definitely does get you on the right track and sets the foundation to build that skill and to practice the tools every day and continually and then it becomes more habitual, and you don't even need to really think about it. So it's really broken out into like a framework where every day you work on different skill sets within the umbrella of resilience, and I based it in in science and research and my experience with clients and, and people in the field. So that's the genesis of the book. And so do you find that people when they when they read the book, and it's a process, are you? Are you also sort of working with people you mentioned, you know, this is something you've learned from your client, like, how much how much coaching around maybe this concept? Do you feel people need, you know, what, what things in their lives? Can they do sort of broadly? Or maybe some takeaway tips that you have? internally, you think about it? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker :I mean, I have a great I mean, I wrote it as something that you can and should do on your own or partner up with like a family member or a friend to hold each other accountable. Every day. Every every skill set has its own day that you work on. So I talk about, you know, how to cultivate positive habits, how to work on your hopefulness, self awareness, integrity, those are all things that kind of, you know, build into the room. Resilience framework. But in terms of me, I mean, yes, I also, you know, work with groups and do a lot of speaking engagements on the topic, I think it's just an innumerable amount of work that you can do on building this framework. But what I really do is I teach people not what to think but how to think. And so that's really where I come in, as, you know, a coach, in a sense, I mean, I am a psychologist by training a clinical psychologist, but I think of myself more as a, you know, a mental health coach, because it really is about retooling how we think about our world and the lens with which we see things. And that's, that's how to build that that skill. But the book on its own is written to be done on its own, and, you know, you work on all of these skills, like perseverance, and, you know, how to how purpose, you know, falls into the equation, problem solving, flexibility, creativity, things like that. I think I mean, as you sort of mentioned, I think, obviously, we're all sort of in the midst of quarantine, fatigue, and, you know, anxiety over COVID, and all of these different things going on. And I think, you know, you sort of touched on important point about people being happy but unhappy, and like, how do you kind of balance staying positive, but also acknowledging that, you know, it's okay to not be okay, and that some days are really hard and challenges come up that, you know, I think, obviously, that's the point of having resilience, right, that you can sort of meet those challenges, I think as they come, but like that it's not always about being happy or positive every minute of every day, right? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker :thing? Yeah, exactly. I mean, I think I think people got really tired of the whole, you know, of thinking and wanting so desperately to be happy, because it's actually not an attainable goal, we're human. And we can't be happy all the time, we can't be positive all the time. And we shouldn't, you know, we really actually shouldn't be. Because then we're actually not being true to our human experience, we're not accepting the gamut of emotions that we do feel naturally, normally throughout a day. So the goal of happiness is really sort of setting us up for failure. I really urge my, the people I work with in the groups I work with, to sort of eradicate sort of happiness from a goalpost, like, if you're going to feel happy, sure, but, you know, in, in wanting so desperately to be happy, you miss those actual moments of happiness. So instead, you know, really don't think about, like, needing to desperately be happy, but rather, yes, accepting, you know, this is hard, like this, this time is really, really tough. And, you know, there's moments where we're, yes, we're super anxious, and we accept that and in the acceptance of it, we give it less power. So when you see an emotion for what it is, or a feeling, we sort of lessen the intensity of it. So if you accept the fact and that's part of being resilient, if you accept the fact that, you know, I'm having a really tough day, or this moment in time, it's just a moment, and it'll pass. But right now, this sucks, you know, or whatever it is that you need to say to yourself, it's much easier to move on from that moment. And really, our days are just a collection of moments. And when we're able to accept whatever we're feeling and dealing with and then move on to the next moment, we have a greater likelihood of sort of flipping the switch and thinking more positively. Now. When I mean, again, when I say thinking positively, we're not talking about this, like fake sense of like, Oh, my God, everything's totally fine, but not fine. And my world's falling apart, but I'm just going to pretend it's all great. Like, that's, that's really unhealthy. And we all know people like that. And they're, there's a lot that they're hiding under that veneer. So, um, you know, it's really important to, again, be in the now be present, be accepting, and realistic about the current circumstances, but also understand and exercise our ability and our skill, which I talked about in the book of having hopefulness of being able to reframe, of implementing gratitude, but not in the like, Oh, my gosh, you need to be grateful all the time for everything kind of way. Like, it's much more. You know, gratitude has to be sort of woven out throughout, you know, our days and sort of implementing these skills that can then shift your lens to a more positive framework and help you move forward. Yeah, well, I think, you know, you touched on an important point, and I think you that was really the genesis of some of this conversation is this there's this culture of like, positivity and in a weird way, right? Where everything is great, or everything feels fake, or like, Oh, I love this. And I'm so thankful for this. And you know, all of these things versus looking at your day, as you mentioned, I think, which is a great point more as moments, there's highs and lows, right? We all have different things that happen. But being more accepting of that experience and being able to I thought you made a good point about reframing it, you know, I think right now, expectation rate is a big thing in our lives and sort of having realistic goals for yourself. I know I mean, I love your Instagram feed, and it's full of quotes, you know, that I feel like are positive, and, but inspirational, sort of about mental health and, and realism and like, you know, sort of thinking about things. Do you have like, a favorite quote? Or like, do you wake up every day? And pick a quote of like, how do you choose all of your sort of quotes? Because they're not just quotes? You know, I feel like they're sort of inspirational points as a jumping off spot for your day, right? Or something to think about getting you thinking about things maybe in a different way. Yes. And I appreciate you saying that, um, and you're supportive of the feed. Um, yeah,
Unknown Speaker :I was really, you know, Instagram, I kind of resisted social media for a really long time. And then, you know, I wanted my Instagram community to feel supported in the human experience. I didn't want it to be like, Hey, this is my life. And this is my edited version and my highlight reel, and then like, hey, look at this, and that, and let's, let's put in some positive quotes along the way. Now, I wanted it to be like a forum where we can essentially be triggered by the quotes that I post that are and I and the way I choose them, it's like, it has to really sort of move me in some way or make me think about the world in a way that I haven't before. So that's really how I choose things. I try not to put anything generic in there. And sorry, if sometimes I do, I don't
Unknown Speaker :know. But
Unknown Speaker :I tried to make the quotes to be very unusual, but hit home. And I have quotes that I hashtag like truth bomb, like I do a weekly truth bomb series, where it's like, Whoa, you know, and people really have strong reactions. It's not necessarily meant to be controversial, but it's meant to really, like trigger a thought in you about, you know, your life, or maybe a different way of thinking about something. You know, that not just like self care is about baths and like candles, but self care is really about setting boundaries. And so like, hopefully, that makes people stop and say like, wait, yeah, that's true. I do need to set some boundaries, like I have some toxic relationships, and that is taking care of myself. And then how do I do that? And so it spurs more engagement in conversation, because ideally, I'd love for people to communicate amongst themselves for each post. Right, and, and sort of started discussion. So that's really how I pick them and kind of hope that it comes off. Yeah, no, I think I mean, it's a hard thing to post a new quote every day that feels, I think exactly that right, as a conversation starter in a moment where you come across it and you're like, wow, yeah, I hadn't thought about that, or that's a good point, or that's dead on, you know, so for me, I think it's, it's one of my favorite by far. Yeah, no, and I think it's great. It's would be a great thing for our community to look at, to get to know you better, but also, it's just really helpful, I think, on a daily basis. Yeah. So I think Thank you. Yeah, yeah. And I also I, you know, my stories kind of gives a different lens, like all my stories, I post a little things that are a little more personal. And also, I have a weekly Instagram Live Show series called power up where I interview different leaders and experts in various fields from, you know, I mean, psychology, of course, but like runs the gamut fashion, interior design, you know, everything and but all with like a mental health lens. So in nutritionist, you know, so every, you know, authors, tons of authors, parenting experts, I mean, the sky's the limit in terms of like the genre, but it always has to, you know, it's always someone who has expertise in that field and is able to speak on a certain topic. So that's been really fun and
Unknown Speaker :enjoyable to do.
Unknown Speaker :So yes, you're doing that. What days are you doing that you're doing that one day a week? As you're talking to them, they're sort of giving expert advice, and then you're sort of tying back Their genre into your mental health and how they report. It's a conversation to I mean, you know, I also speak on, you know, if I feel moved to, you know, I had Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt on the other day to talk about her book about forgiveness. And of course, I have lots to say on forgiveness as well. So we kind of had a conversation about it, as well. And she has some really brilliant things to say, of course, but, you know, it just depends on who I'm speaking to. I had Dr. Dan Siegel on who's like, parenting expert extraordinaire, and he's written like, I don't even know, 100 books on the topic. So I just, you know, for him, you know, it was a lot of just listening and trying to get information about his different thoughts on on this time, and the pandemic and all that. So, you know, it just depends on on the person and the topic. But um, yeah, it's been really great. It's on Thursdays, generally around 1pm pacific time, but sometimes the times change, but it's always going to be on a Thursday, and then I have them all on my igtv page. So if you missed one, or you can't tune in live, you can always go to HGTV to watch. But live is fun, because you can get your questions answered in real time. So if you have a question for Dr. Dan, and you're not going to have access to him otherwise, like tuning into the live segment, we'll give you an opportunity to ask and I usually try to catch all the questions and ask as I you know, as best I can. Yeah, no, that's amazing. I know, we've been watching that series too. And I think, I mean, that's one of the cool things about this time, too, I think people are more engaged in doing things virtually, and spending so much time. And so there's been like this amazing, I think, increase in really good content, you know, really powerful content that you can engage with online in short segments and get questions answered. And I think, you know, it's it's nice that everyone's doing that and making that content available a lot of this content or hearing a lot of these people speak you would typically only have, you know, if you went to an event and paid for a typewriter, you know, got to meet people, one on one. So I think that that, you know, it has been really great. And people being able to access sort of a variety of content right through maybe a specific lens. But yeah, covering all these different totally was that well, that's how that's Yeah, that's how power up started is like I had all these like live in person events coming up. I had an event with Katherine, for example, coming up, and we're like, oh, my gosh, there's so much to talk about with forgiveness, like, What do I do? You know, and so I have all of these events. And then I thought, well, I'm just going to do it virtually. And I didn't want to do a traditional zoom format. So that's how that's how it all started. I know you're second home with kids. A lot of us are all stuck at home with kids. You had a baby right before quarantine started, right?
Unknown Speaker :Yeah. Yeah, she's two,
Unknown Speaker :six months old, now six months old. So it's just crazy how it goes in a flash. But yeah, I had her about a week before the shutdown. And then I have a six year old and eight year old as well, that I'm homeschooling. So it all kind of happened all at once. So has it been? Are you able to apply your own lessons and inspiration? You know, in your daily life, sort of in this new scenario? Like do you have tips? You know, obviously our audience, we have tons of moms, we're all sort of in this work from home, try and do your job, try and take care of your kids. A lot of people like you and me had babies. And so we're like in double quarantine, you know, for a really long period of time. Yeah, um, you know, how do you do tips for for moms? Yeah, tips for moms how to survive, crawl into a closet, lock a door, and just tell everyone, you're having a mommy timeout. Um, and I'm actually serious about that one, but on a more broad scale. Um, no, you know, when this all happened, you know, we obviously none of us have ever been through anything like this in our lifetime. I think having a baby adds a whole other element to the pandemic.
Unknown Speaker :That is
Unknown Speaker :really unique and unusual. I mean, on one hand, we're cocooning, anyway, and ideally home hopefully, with our families. But I also did not anticipate, like all of a sudden having everyone at home and needing to take care of everyone else. Other than myself, you know, so there was sort of like, Oh, my God, my kids needs to do school and there's tech issues and then I also have a newborn, you know, so it was incredibly overwhelming, in a lot of ways as I'm sure you have felt as well. There was also because I think also a lot of it was unknown still in the very beginning. Like we had no idea what beast we were even dealing with. Um, am I able to use As my own tips and tools, yes, I mean, you know, these things now are part of me and who I am. And I think part of it, I think when people think about resilient people, they're kind of under the misconception that like, Oh my gosh, this person is so strong and can just like power through it and hustle their way out of it. And that's really not what resilient people do. at all, I think. I think the beauty of having a resilient skill set is that you're actually able to kind of ride the vicissitudes of life, like when it's down, like you get it, it's down. And there were days where it was so hard, and I was so overwhelmed. And I would just burst into tears, also, because of the hormones and everything else going on in my body healing from birth, but it's like, this is insane. And I would just acknowledge that the insanity of it all and how a typical it was. And part of the acknowledgement gave me the strength to then move on, like, literally, there were days where I had to tell myself out loud, like, one foot in front of the other. Like, that's all I can do one foot in front of the other, if I just if I just move from like this moment to the next moment, like I'll be able to eventually, you know, get through it. And, and we did and you know, and it's like, was it, I mean it, it was incredibly difficult at times. But then there were also days where, again, like I was talking about those moments, I wasn't so focused on needing to be happy, or, you know, everything that I had imagined for my postpartum with my third baby, like, flew out the window, gone, like in a flash. So part of me was like mourning, not having that experience with my third child. But then, the minute I acknowledged that I was in mourning like that, I was really, really, really deeply sad about not having like those cozy mornings after I dropped my kids off at school, my cuddling in bed, you know, whatever I had imagined, like
Unknown Speaker :gone,
Unknown Speaker :you know, I moved on to the reality, which is what resilient people ultimately can do. And it's like, Okay, this is my new reality, how am I meeting it? How am I meeting it? How can I, you know, take care of myself, which didn't happen too much. But, you know, have those moments and sometimes taking care of myself meant, like taking three minutes in my room by myself with the door locked, and that was fine with me at that moment in time, right. So I think as moms and as parents and caretakers, we really have to, you know, this isn't I heard something yesterday, it's not like about reinventing or like this new normal. It's about inventing, like, this is something we've completely never been faced with before. So how do we, how do we invent new ways of being of the parent that we want to be of, you know, having a home that feels safe for our children, of you know, a lot of it was also acknowledging that this isn't about, like, my kids will never remember what they learned during this time, by the way, like, they're gonna just remember, did they feel loved? Did they feel safe, they're gonna have probably the happiest memories of their life, during this pandemic, because mom and dad were home, you know, they had a ton of time with baby, they won't know any of the crazy that like what's happening behind the scenes in my head, right. So I think it's just important to have perspective, to keep one foot in front of the other to keep going and to acknowledge that times are really, really tough. I also have to say, like, there's a lot of silver lining here. And that's not just like rosy positive, but for all of us, there's a bit of a silver lining. And as difficult as this time was, like, you know, some of us are getting to spend more time with loved ones that we would have never known certain things about them had we not been forced into the situation, or, you know, I'm actually becoming super close to certain girlfriends, like, we have this daily text going and I don't even know if I could, like, survive without it, you know, it's like, then they just send me funny, like memes all day when I was like in the throes of postpartum, right, just to keep me going. You know, and I never even like, texted with some of these people before. So, you know, it's, it's, I think there's a lot to be said about this time, and we're gonna look back on it, you know, with some minor, right, like, element of fondness and, and then just acknowledging, again, it's about acceptance and being honest and realistic with what you're dealt with, and then moving forward. And I think that's a good point. It's we're having conversation yesterday, just about back to school and different things. And a lot of moms were saying, you know, they had a totally different window into their kids learning, right. And sort of, most of us aren't with our kids during school, so we don't really know how they know it, you know? Yeah. And it's, you know, a fact Fascinating sort of opportunity to be involved in their education. I know I learned that I don't really know what's going on, not you know, from school, like you get a Teacher, teacher parent conference, you don't watch your kids learning, you're not allowed to not assess as you shouldn't. Like, you shouldn't be involved in all of that, especially with older age children, you should not be like, I mean, and resilience in our children. And cultivating that is like a whole other topic that I deal with. But just briefly, like minorly, we shouldn't be involved in homework, we shouldn't be involved in any I mean, they should be in charge of their own schooling and have their own independent relationships with teachers who hold them accountable for their own work and things like that. But it is, yes, really, really neat to have a glimpse into their education and what they do. I mean, I have a friend who caught on to the fact that her daughter, her to her child might have a learning disability that the school missed because of this pandemic. Right? And so had she not been home listening to things going on and dealing with the frustration of her child, like dealing with certain stuff she would have never really known. Yeah, it's amazing. So there's a lot of goodness, and I'm not saying that you necessarily have to seek it out. If you don't see goodness, in this pandemic, if you're just like, in a place of like, this is just, I just need 2020 to end right this minute and move on. By the way, we'll still be dealing with this in 2020. Exactly. I'll be like, is 2021 coming now we're like, that is not our Savior.
Unknown Speaker :Long house situation by we're strong. Listen, like this is a marathon we're humans we can get we will. And it's not about even getting through this. That's another like lens shift. A lot of people say like, you're gonna get through this. Okay, but we all know people who got through things and weren't more resilient from it. Right? They're just victims of it. So it's like, how are you going to move through it? And and but also grow and strengthen. That's what people do? Well, yeah, that is something it's not, it wasn't at the time, maybe it was a moment in time, or we thought it was two weeks or something like that. But now it is like our life for nobody knows how long but probably a long time. And a lot of long term effects based on it right? A lot of things are just going to keep changing. We have a lot of other big events happening in the world, right. And so I think, to your point, thinking about ways to teach in this moment, and build things like resilience, and have your family kind of come out of it stronger on it in terms of your family system. I mean, I think that's an interesting opportunity, in terms of the lessons that are in your book that we would take an implement, like, are those things that work with kids too? Or do you see it as like a separate? There's a separate way to do it with them? I mean, how does that work for you in terms of like the skill set in an adult versus building that right, but in your child? So I would assume like most things to the more you do it with your kids, the more resilient they are as adults versus Yeah, learned as adults? Yeah. Oh, totally. I mean, I think all these skills, if they're at age appropriate, I mean, most of them are, are great to do with kids. What I what I steer people away from with kids, though, is is sort of like an over overly analytical lens into their inner world. So a lot some of this content, it's like, you know, journal, and you're supposed to kind of, let's say, like, write out, you know, what you're afraid of, or whatever. And, like, that's great to do with kids. But we don't want to go like, we don't want to just focus on that too much with with, especially the younger kids. But I think these are all great skills to learn. But remember, like with parenting, a lot of it is just fixing us, and the way in which we approach our kids, and that's not to like demonize us and say that our kids issues are all our fault, but a lot of them are. Um, you know, we live in a bubble wrap generation, and I think the age of like helicopter parenting is pretty much kind of fizzling out. But there's like a whole other level of parenting. Now that I mean, we realize I think that our kids need some space, but we also can't really help ourselves. Like we just have like a trigger finger, and we have to email the teacher because God forbid, our child is disappointed about something and they can't really communicate it to them. So it's our job to do it. Right.
Unknown Speaker :Yeah. You know, things like that. So I think that's a whole other level that needs to be addressed and can't be, and it's not
Unknown Speaker :in the book. So
Unknown Speaker :Well, I think that's a very good question. about, you know, sort of how we look at what we're teaching to our kids in terms of modeling our own behavior and how we interact with them versus, you know, versus things intrinsic in them. Yeah, I mean, of course, mine is sneaking up in the background, leaving his Zoo and love calling
Unknown Speaker :her that he is.
Unknown Speaker :But you know, I think I think that's, I think, especially now, modeling is everything and our kids, I think we constantly have to be reminded that our kids will do what they see now what we say. And, you know, there is so much digital exposure right now, we have to be actively verbalizing like I am closing my computer, now, I am physically putting my phone down. Because right now my focus is you guys and my family. And it's so important for me to look into your eyes and have real conversations, gosh, I'm so fatigued from zoom, or whatever it is, you want to say, to kind of delineate, and so they can still have some some level of childhood free of devices, which is so critical for their brain development. You know, but but on the same token, like you can't be too hard on yourself, this is a perfect petri dish for cultivating resilience in ourselves and our family, as, as much as it pains me to say, because it's such a crazy situation and, and so difficult for for all of us. But, you know, this is, it's almost like a global reset, like a mental health reset. And we are being faced with a lot. And I think, you know, you have to give yourself some grace and compassion, too. And give yourself the ability to say like, I don't have to be a part of, you know, like, I'll just say, for example, so many moms feel so overwhelmed with homeschooling, and it is so overwhelming, and there are tech issues, and I'm in it too. So I am right there with you. But at the same time, like you don't and shouldn't be a part of everything. You shouldn't be sitting next to your kid during classes, you shouldn't be necessarily doing homework with them, you should be present. You could be present, if they need, you know, if they have a question to clarify something, but never giving answers. And really giving them the support and tools that they need to feel confident that even if they don't have the answer, like they can ask the teacher or they can figure it out, well, what are some ways to figure this out for yourself instead of just being the one to come up with the answers? So this is a really good opportunity to give them independence that you really couldn't before? And, and it's it's an interesting dynamic, right? Yeah, no, I think it makes sense. I mean, it's a lot. It's like a learning curve. You know, I feel like over the time, because I said the same thing, like I felt in the spring, I was sitting with my kid, and yeah, super involved and felt like I had and, you know, unclear where those boundaries are and trying to figure it out. And then when we started this year, I was we were much more like, this is your space, and this is your stuff. And these are all your tools, but you need to do it. And you he has timers and the teacher and you know, and you know, an opportunity for him to manage it. And for us to give him that responsibility. And it doesn't have to be perfect. Like if he, it's up to him and his teacher in his classroom. And if he's not sitting down, the teachers gonna tell him he's not sitting down, just like, all right. I mean, I know, for me to police that, you know,
Unknown Speaker :it doesn't make sense, ya
Unknown Speaker :know, and you shouldn't, and I know, you know, I hear some parents say, well, there's so much on their plate, they're dealing with so much already, like, I'm just going to help them like, stick with their schedule. This is life like this is about learning and practicing flexibility and, and responsibility. So, you know, when your kid has a schedule, and it's very clear from the teacher, what their schedule is, and, you know, obviously age appropriate, I would say probably like first grade and up. But, you know, they put that schedule on their desk or post on a wall and, and they are responsible for the schedule. My son missed, like a certain little period of zoom the other day, and I knew he missed it. Did I and I, I did not, you know, I wanted every bone in my body wanted to be like, get on the zoom. It's like 322 or whatever. I didn't. I did. I stopped myself because I knew that in that very moment, in not saying something. I'm teaching him so much more than I would have taught him had I reminded him about it. And he did. He told me he was like, Oh my god, I missed a class and my teacher did this. And now I'm gonna have to do this. And I was like, oh, wow, you learn a lot from that. He's like, yeah, I'm not
Unknown Speaker :doing that again.
Unknown Speaker :Right. So it's the same concept that I tell parents, like your kid forgets lunch at school, do not bring them lunch to school, they will never forget lunch again. But if you bring them that lunch, they will constantly Forget it. Cuz they know that you're gonna save them. I mean, it's just like, all these little things that I'm sure you know, but it's hard I get it, it's so hard in the moment, but you're just remember that you're giving them the skills and the tools long term, I think, you know, that's a great point to wrap on in terms of like us, you know, having the this opportunity to figure a lot of this stuff out, right and work on it. It's not none of us are perfect, we have to find the right balance between supporting them. And you know, I'm supporting each other and all of it but not overdoing, which I think is a good, a good one for moms, because I think that's one of the things that leads us to all be so stressed out, you know, is thinking that you have to do everything all the time. No, no, this is a perfect time to enlist your children in doing things around the home that they didn't do before. Like, you know, you're doing laundry and you feel overwhelmed, like you're in the middle of like a mountain of clothes, like no, this, it, they need to help you they should fold it put it away like this is this isn't just about helping with chores, this is about life skills. But this is mainly about internal self worth, when children are able to help out and be a part of the family system, when they're when they are able to complete tasks and goals. They gain self worth and self confidence. And that builds more and more on resilience and everything else that's positive in their world. So you know, all of that you shouldn't feel alone, we're not alone on this little island As parents, we, we should be, you know, reaching out to our support networks and feeling connected through you know, even if it's through technology, we should be, we should be enlisting our family to help out with with, with home tasks and everything else on our plate and the emotional labor of like remembering everything that should be on everyone's you know, radar and with your children in school, you know, as much as you can. Let them be independent thinkers and learn this sometimes the hard way of what it takes to be successful in that process. So yeah, just gift yourself some grace and compassion, and how fun to like Remember, these days are long and hard. And it's, it's, I get it, but like, turn on some crazy music and start a dance party once in a while and just let go, like laugh a little bit like, this is so crazy that it's almost funny sometimes and just go with it, like, let off some steam. And your kids are gonna watch you do that. And that's what they're gonna remember. That is what they're gonna remember that mom was laughing. And that mom let go a little bit. And then you can always like reframe and just say, gosh, that felt so good. You know what next time I'm feeling really frustrated and sad. I'm going to turn on some fun music and dance around. There's like, Oh, my God, Mommy's going crazy.
Unknown Speaker :By
Unknown Speaker :that it works. And you know what, that's kind of what we're modeling for our children how to deal with, you know, rough times, and what better time than now to show that to them? Well, thank you for being here today. I think that was very insightful and very timely given where we are in the world. And we will recommend to everybody and put a link for the book as well. So they can get started and hopefully build resilience in their homes. The book, as we said
Unknown Speaker :is
Unknown Speaker :21 days to resilience, which I assume people can get anywhere that books are sold, or listened to right these days. Yeah, yeah. And support local bookstores too, by the way, just wanted to throw that out there. Yeah, you have a local bookstore nearby. They often have a copy or two, you know, and just go in and buy it. But I do recommend a hard copy because it is written sort of like a journal. So if you do listen to the audio version, you should have a notebook next to but there's, there's things to fill out. It's very much like a workbook in a way. And I did it for a specific reason so that we can practice these skills. So if you do the audio book great a lot of people do, but also have either a hardcopy as well or a notebook or something available. Great. Thank you. Good. That's a very important tip and I agree, support local everybody now more than ever, right? We want to be supporting our local businesses. Yeah. Thank you so much. Have a great video. Have a good afternoon, YouTube, I will be chatting with health and wellness experts in the coming weeks to gain specific information about managing our family's health. We hope you'll be listening. We want to once again thank Trove CBD for sponsoring this episode. You can learn more about them at Trove CBD.com and on their Instagram feed at Trove CBD. Be sure to subscribe to our show on iTunes and other podcast streaming platforms. You can also watch the video of this podcast on SoCalmoms.com. Sign up for emails on our website and follow us at SoCal Moms on Facebook and Instagram, we welcome your comments and feedback. Until next week, I'm Tracy fredkin.